It just so happens that today is a very special day. It’s the publication of my new book, The Private Blog of Joe Cowley: Straight Outta Nerdsville. It’s the fourth and final book in the series.
Last night, I wrote a poem to mark the occasion. A totally unique poem that is definitely not inspired by an old Christmassy one. It’s called, T’was the Night Before Nerdsville.
T’was the night before Nerdsville, when all through the flat,
Not a creature was stirring, not even Ad.
The boys have all moved to the big scary city,
To follow their dreams and make an album so gritty.
Ad and Greeny lay all snug in their beds,
While visions of stardom danced in their heads.
And Harry with the pipe, and Joe hard at work,
Had started to argue over Picard versus Kirk.
When out on the street there arose such a clatter,
They sprang from the sofa to see what was the matter.
When what to their wandering eyes should appear.
“QUICK. RUN AND HIDE, PRETEND WE’RE NOT HERE.”
“Wait a second, old boy, am I going quite mad,
Or is that man outside your dear old-”
Joe pulled shut the curtains and sat on the floor.
He said, “Harry, I don’t think I can take any more.”
“Nonsense,” said Harry. “He can’t be that bad.
“And you can’t turn away your precious-”
“Don’t even say it,” said Joe, as he began to turn pink.
“Be quiet for a minute, I need time to think.”
But “time and tide wait for no man”,
To quote Geoffrey Chaucer,
As the old bloke played rap from his new Vauxhall Corsa.
Even louder than jets the music it came,
As he whooped and shouted and called them by name.
“Go Biggie! Go Tupac! Go Ice Cube and Eazy!
Go Nicki! Go HOVA! Go Kendrick and Yeezy!”
He was all dressed in fur,
From his head to his feet.
And around his neck a medallion that read, 2SWEET.
“Relax,” said Harry. “It’s only a visit.”
“Is that supposed to make me better? Is it?”
“This was supposed to be my time to show the world what I had,
But how can I do that with my crazy old . . .”
BUZZ went the buzzer, giving them a fright,
As the rapping old man stood out in the night.
“Please don’t let him in, just do me this favour.”
But Joe couldn’t stop his kindly neighbour,
Who opened the door to the man in the flares,
Who went ‘clank, clank, clank’ as he walked up the stairs.
Joe hid behind the sofa, but it was all in vain,
He was discovered by the man with the chain.
His hair was so black! Right out of the bottle!
In his ear an earpiece, the latest model.
The rings on his fingers that seemed to glow,
And the teeth in his mouth as white as the snow.
Every part of Joe cringed, layer upon layer,
As his Dad raised his hands and yelled, “What up, my playa?”
Joe jumped to his feet and made for the door,
And away he ran, faster than ever before.
But they heard him exclaim, as he sprinted out of sight,
“Happy Nerdsville to all, and to all a good cocking night.”